When I was in my deepest depth of depression, I finally started to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
While I was at church today I was listening to the people get up and bare their testimonies; I couldn't help but cry and read my scriptures. I wanted to go up and bare mine, but being new in the Ward, made me hold back. I know that I am to share something with the people in my new Ward and when the time comes, I will. I think the fact that I have Steve in the Ward with me, who kind of understands what I'm going through honestly makes things easier.
I met a lot of new and really nice people, but if and when they ever find out about me; will they still like me and want to talk to me? Only God and the angels know. It's not like I care what they think of me anyways, but I hate people who are fake or 2-faced.
I was able to meet with my new Bishop and all I can say to describe him is "WOW"... I was so nervous going in to talk to him. I've had no problem telling previous Bishops that I was and am gay, but I need more help than that now.
We started out by getting to know each other and he asked me some questions. He wanted to know how my mission went in Los Angeles, so I told him. LOL He then asked what brought me into his office and I told him I physically and mentally can't live my life anymore.
I told him I was gay, I have been very suicidal lately, and physically I feel like I'm 80. He was completely honest with me and said he doesn't know everything and wants to help me when and where he can. He could careless about me being gay, he thinks that its more important for me to stop being so suicidal.
We talked about the fact that I don't wanna get married or have a desire to have kids with a women, and he told me to forget about that for right now. I don't need that nor is it important to me at this time. He really was trying to help me and putting the church a side and the views of our faith, its gonna always be up to God.
No matter if I'm gay or straight or bisexual, God is the only one who knows me and knows the intentions of my heart. Whether I'm living the exact principles and ordinances of the Gospel or not, it's how I live MY life and what I do to make it better. These trials and tribulations I've been given in my life whether I pass them or fail, its the experience that really matters.
I don't want to be gay, and will say that till the day I die. If there were a pill or some kind of cure, I would do it in a heartbeat. My biggest fear is to be alone whether in the church or alone in life. I cry myself to sleep more often then not and don't know how to cope. I know I need to see a professional and so that is what I have decided to do.
I've always been the one giving people advice, but the time for me to be advice has come. I know she can help me, but I'm scared. Am I doing all that I can to make my life the best it can be? Will I ever be happy? Who am I really? Am I really going to hell for being gay? Can I be gay and be happy in the Church? Who knows if these questions can or will be answered, but I wanna find out.
I have no where else to go and if this doesn't help, i don't know what I'm gonna do. In talking to my Bishop, I feel like someone out there other then friends and some family actually cares about me. When I left his office, I wanted to just go up to him and hug him, but I feel it would be better at another moment in time.
All I can say is thank you to my Heavenly Father for loving me and showing his mercy. When I thought I was at my deepest and darkest part of my life, He has always been there for me whether I've acknowledged him or not. I know that I am a child of God and that no matter what I go through he feels my pain and cries with me. He's always there to comfort me and make me feel like I'm not alone. He's placed some special people in my life and you know who you are. And I thank you guys as well. Without your love and support, I would have been gone long ago.
Until next time... I love you all.