Monday, April 26, 2010

How can I be so misguided?

This is my first of hopefully many blogs. I'm doing this as a means to let out my feelings, so I don't hold them in and hurt myself any more.

This past weekend was hard for me. I have been through a lot here in the past 5 years and I think I just hit the bottom of it all. I've tried to commit suicide many times before, but never got as close as I did Saturday night.

I was at a very nice party with other guys who are kind of in the same boat as me. They are or were Mormon, looking for friends, and gay. I was talking with a few guys I had just met and thinking to myself; what do I want from them? Honestly, I didn't want anything.

It wasn't anything about them or with them. It's just that all I do is make friends and for some reason or another they leave me or use me. Why do I keep putting myself out there? While i was sitting there, I had an uncomfortable feeling that overcame me and I just had to leave and get out of the house.

As I was walking down the street I just started crying. It wasn't for any real reason, I'm just physically drained. After 5 years of dealing with Epstein Barr, I'm done trying to force myself to get up everyday and keep moving forward. I wake up every morning feeling like I have the weight of the world on my shoulder's.

I've come to the point where I can't live life the way I am anymore. I don't know who to talk to, or if anyone can even help me. And I'm at the point that if anyone could even help me, I don't know that I want it. When I was thinking about things on Saturday night, I don't know how I did it, but I was at peace with committing suicide.

I've tried to in the past and never felt I could actually do it, but I honestly felt that it would happen this time. I don't know why I let me mind wonder and crazy thoughts just start coming out. All I know is I've never been this bad before.

I went to Church on Sunday and I was really enjoying it, but whenever it goes well, I start to think. There were 2 speakers that made an impression on me. And as much as I don't want to leave the Church, I've come to the realization that I can only have on or the other. As much as I believe, they will never accept me or allow me to be myself.

I'll end this for now and hopefully have a better day tomorrow. One can always hope, can't they?