Friday, May 14, 2010

A time for change

My therapist is a wonderful women and she reminds me so much of my Mission President's wife. What a lady... But me on the other hand, have a lot more going on than I ever thought.

It has taken me a little bit longer to write this blog, because I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to say and how. I learned a lot about me in the 50 minute meeting. As hard as it is to admit and tell people, I'm not happy with myself. I'm sure a lot of people already know that if they've been around me long enough. I still haven't figured out what exactly it is that I'm ashamed of. I mean I do love parts of me, but maybe not as much as I need to to be happy overall. I have a lot of insecurities, and I guess that is the part where I allow people to come into my life and prey on me. They like me for the parts that I love and it seems like they are nice, but as soon as they get what they want, they move on.

Not saying that my parents didn't love me, cause they did, they just showed it differently. I wasn't shown enough love to satisfy me and to fill this void; I let people into my life who appear to want me for real and true reasons, but they turn out to use me for whatever I have at the time. Once they got out of me what they want, they find some stupid reason to leave and make me feel like it was my fault. At the time, I don't see things like that and I don't know to be any different. I'm a very loving and caring person, and I look at it at the point of view of being their friend and helping them. I know I can go a little overboard and want them to like me for any reason. Just as long as they are around and show me some kind of attention. It doesn't even have to be sexual or even love. I don't expect everyone I meet to love me, but I always hope they will.

The past 5 days haven't been too bad. I went out to Pure on Friday night and as much as I hate that place, I actually kinda had fun. I actually danced with someone, all be it a girl, but still. On Saturday, I helped with yard work and it drained me, but it felt good. Saturday night I went to a friends and watched a sad gay movie called, "A Single Man". I liked the story line and all, but I can't see other people try to kill themselves. Call me selfish, but when I was watching him put a gun in his mouth, it brought back all of the past times I tried. I couldn't and didn't want to go to sleep that night cause I was afraid I was gonna dream about killing myself. I said a little prayer and asked Heavenly Father to help me sleep and not have any bad dreams, and it worked. Sunday I went to church and really enjoyed it. The girls in my ward are very nice and friendly and very talkative. I talked to my Bishop for a few minutes and he wants me to get Medical help or even go to the Hospital for a few weeks and get me out of this funk. After church I made the mistake of taking a nap. I was so tired, but I didn't get to bed til 4am because of it. I woke up on Monday and listened to music while I applied for jobs and talked to friends. I ended up playing basketball at Liberty Park with a friend, watched the Suns get killed by the Lakers, and then went to go play basketball with my Single's Ward.

I wanted to talk a little more about my problems that I need to work on, but maybe I'm still trying to digest it all. Hopefully here in the near future I'll be to discuss it and see that I have more worth than I've allowing myself to be in the last 5 years. I'm looking forward to my next therapy session, and seeing what else I need to change and how she suggests I get myself back on track. Is it funny to say that I felt the Spirit when I was talking to her? Cause I've felt the Spirit many times in my life, and I'll swear that I felt it last week with her. She started out as a very highly recommended therapist, but little did I know that we were supposed to meet. Between her and my Bishop, I think I might have found where I am supposed to be. I've lived in Las Vegas, and I loved the Ward I was in, but nothing ever changed. Living in Mesa was nice while it lasted, but I truly wasn't happy in the end. The desert, the heat, the same boring people( no offense family and friends, I don't mean you), the jobs, and the everyday life. I don't miss Mesa at all. I mean I miss parts of it and people I left behind, but I'm glad I left. Coming to Utah was probably the best thing I've ever done. I've always wanted to live here and I thing aren't great here right now, but they will be very shortly... I know that for a fact.


  1. I'm glad that you feel like you've found a place to belong, and that things are looking up, or at least that they're going to be.

    I had been on Connexion for a few months without ever having the guts to start a chat with anyone, and then one day I saw your profile and saying "hello" just seemed like the right thing to do. I haven't started a chat with anyone else since then. Maybe Someone was using me to help get you where you need to be? :)


  2. Awww... I didn't know that. Thanks Scott :* That means a lot to me... Hopefully I'm still what you thought you'd get out of it.