Monday, April 26, 2010

How can I be so misguided?

This is my first of hopefully many blogs. I'm doing this as a means to let out my feelings, so I don't hold them in and hurt myself any more.

This past weekend was hard for me. I have been through a lot here in the past 5 years and I think I just hit the bottom of it all. I've tried to commit suicide many times before, but never got as close as I did Saturday night.

I was at a very nice party with other guys who are kind of in the same boat as me. They are or were Mormon, looking for friends, and gay. I was talking with a few guys I had just met and thinking to myself; what do I want from them? Honestly, I didn't want anything.

It wasn't anything about them or with them. It's just that all I do is make friends and for some reason or another they leave me or use me. Why do I keep putting myself out there? While i was sitting there, I had an uncomfortable feeling that overcame me and I just had to leave and get out of the house.

As I was walking down the street I just started crying. It wasn't for any real reason, I'm just physically drained. After 5 years of dealing with Epstein Barr, I'm done trying to force myself to get up everyday and keep moving forward. I wake up every morning feeling like I have the weight of the world on my shoulder's.

I've come to the point where I can't live life the way I am anymore. I don't know who to talk to, or if anyone can even help me. And I'm at the point that if anyone could even help me, I don't know that I want it. When I was thinking about things on Saturday night, I don't know how I did it, but I was at peace with committing suicide.

I've tried to in the past and never felt I could actually do it, but I honestly felt that it would happen this time. I don't know why I let me mind wonder and crazy thoughts just start coming out. All I know is I've never been this bad before.

I went to Church on Sunday and I was really enjoying it, but whenever it goes well, I start to think. There were 2 speakers that made an impression on me. And as much as I don't want to leave the Church, I've come to the realization that I can only have on or the other. As much as I believe, they will never accept me or allow me to be myself.

I'll end this for now and hopefully have a better day tomorrow. One can always hope, can't they?


  1. I wish there was something I could say that didn't sound like an empty platitude... "Things will get better", or "suicide is never the answer".

    I honestly believe those things, but I also know how hollow they can sound when you're in the depths of depression.

    Hopefully it helps to know that I love you and care about you.

    For what it's worth, there were at least a few guys at the party who care about you too, and who will care about you even more once they get to know you. I think a few of the guys who come regularly are some of the best people in the world.

    I hope you find the answers you're looking for!

  2. I for one hope that there are many, many more posting in the future from you. So make sure you are here and to write them. You are young and there is still a lot to see. Stick around and find out what happens. You can always decide you have had enough down the road, but checking out now is one you can't take back. And is way premature!

    As for friends, look hard and you will find one good one at least. They are out there but you will have to work for it for sure.

  3. I echo the sentiment of ControllerOne: I hope there are many, many more posts from you for a long time to come! You are too valuable to lose to death. I cannot imagine what you are going through (though I have felt a small inkling of it in the past). You are loved, this I know. I'm sorry about friends in the past just using you. It's a terrible thing. Stick around, though, there will be joy and there will be many beautiful things to behold in this life :)