A time for change

My therapist is a wonderful women and she reminds me so much of my Mission President's wife. What a lady... But me on the other hand, have a lot more going on than I ever thought.

It has taken me a little bit longer to write this blog, because I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to say and how. I learned a lot about me in the 50 minute meeting. As hard as it is to admit and tell people, I'm not happy with myself. I'm sure a lot of people already know that if they've been around me long enough. I still haven't figured out what exactly it is that I'm ashamed of. I mean I do love parts of me, but maybe not as much as I need to to be happy overall. I have a lot of insecurities, and I guess that is the part where I allow people to come into my life and prey on me. They like me for the parts that I love and it seems like they are nice, but as soon as they get what they want, they move on.

Not saying that my parents didn't love me, cause they did, they just showed it differently. I wasn't shown enough love to satisfy me and to fill this void; I let people into my life who appear to want me for real and true reasons, but they turn out to use me for whatever I have at the time. Once they got out of me what they want, they find some stupid reason to leave and make me feel like it was my fault. At the time, I don't see things like that and I don't know to be any different. I'm a very loving and caring person, and I look at it at the point of view of being their friend and helping them. I know I can go a little overboard and want them to like me for any reason. Just as long as they are around and show me some kind of attention. It doesn't even have to be sexual or even love. I don't expect everyone I meet to love me, but I always hope they will.

The past 5 days haven't been too bad. I went out to Pure on Friday night and as much as I hate that place, I actually kinda had fun. I actually danced with someone, all be it a girl, but still. On Saturday, I helped with yard work and it drained me, but it felt good. Saturday night I went to a friends and watched a sad gay movie called, "A Single Man". I liked the story line and all, but I can't see other people try to kill themselves. Call me selfish, but when I was watching him put a gun in his mouth, it brought back all of the past times I tried. I couldn't and didn't want to go to sleep that night cause I was afraid I was gonna dream about killing myself. I said a little prayer and asked Heavenly Father to help me sleep and not have any bad dreams, and it worked. Sunday I went to church and really enjoyed it. The girls in my ward are very nice and friendly and very talkative. I talked to my Bishop for a few minutes and he wants me to get Medical help or even go to the Hospital for a few weeks and get me out of this funk. After church I made the mistake of taking a nap. I was so tired, but I didn't get to bed til 4am because of it. I woke up on Monday and listened to music while I applied for jobs and talked to friends. I ended up playing basketball at Liberty Park with a friend, watched the Suns get killed by the Lakers, and then went to go play basketball with my Single's Ward.

I wanted to talk a little more about my problems that I need to work on, but maybe I'm still trying to digest it all. Hopefully here in the near future I'll be to discuss it and see that I have more worth than I've allowing myself to be in the last 5 years. I'm looking forward to my next therapy session, and seeing what else I need to change and how she suggests I get myself back on track. Is it funny to say that I felt the Spirit when I was talking to her? Cause I've felt the Spirit many times in my life, and I'll swear that I felt it last week with her. She started out as a very highly recommended therapist, but little did I know that we were supposed to meet. Between her and my Bishop, I think I might have found where I am supposed to be. I've lived in Las Vegas, and I loved the Ward I was in, but nothing ever changed. Living in Mesa was nice while it lasted, but I truly wasn't happy in the end. The desert, the heat, the same boring people( no offense family and friends, I don't mean you), the jobs, and the everyday life. I don't miss Mesa at all. I mean I miss parts of it and people I left behind, but I'm glad I left. Coming to Utah was probably the best thing I've ever done. I've always wanted to live here and I thing aren't great here right now, but they will be very shortly... I know that for a fact.

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!

I'm so FUCKING tired of FUCKING BULLSHIT and FUCKING gay drama! The title says it all... My mind is racing and I'm extremely light headed and just so FUCKING tired of my life, gay SHIT, and guys! I'm so done with group activities and feeling awkward when I'm alone!

I think I'm the last FUCKING genuine, thoughtful, kind-hearted, sweet, loving, affectionate guy whose still single on this whole FUCKING worthless PIECE OF SHIT planet I so unfortunately call home. I know I'm not the best looking guy and I have a FAT ASS and a FUCKING nasty body, but come on FUCKING guys! FUCKING BULLSHIT you FUCKING shallow ASSHOLES!!! I know 95% of the guys out there look at the outer features first, but what about the FUCKING ugly and fat guys who honestly have more to offer. Like seriously, WHAT THE FUCK people?!

I walked home from a friends tonight which was like 30 blocks and all I did was FUCKING cry and think about all kinds of SHIT, which isn't new to me. I have just over an hour to think of what I was gonna write and as you can clearly see... I'm swearing a lot! If you don't like it, I don't give a RAT'S ASS! Go tell someone who gives a SHIT!

I really don't wanna go to church today and I've also decided that I will not be going out when I have a feeling I won't have fun or don't feel right about it. I really FUCKING hate going out in a small or large group when I know there are gonna be the classic ASSHOLES who think they're the SHIT and God's greatest FUCKING gift to STUPID ASS gay men. And I'm so FUCKING close to just shutting myself out to everyone and being an ASSHOLE myself. I'm so tired of always being the FUCKING nice guy and getting used or over looked because I'm not a FUCKING SLUT or a HOT PIECE OF ASS! It's so FUCKING gay that all I ever get online are old, FAT ASS, nasty, BULLSHIT men asking me if I wanna FUCK or date them like they have some kind of chance with me. I know I'm fat and ugly as FUCK, but FUCKING SHIT! There has to be someone whose halfway normal out there for me. But I'm sure after they read this Blog, they're gonna think I'm out of my FUCKING mind and crazy as FUCK.

WHY THE FUCK am I so FUCKING messed up? I know I'm depressed and SHIT, but i swear only 10% of my problems are stuff I actually created myFUCKINGself... I'm not in the mood to say how people have FUCKED me over in the past and the SHIT they've pulled. I don't even know if I can or even want to believe what FUCKING DUMBASS people tell me now! I feel like people I meet just wanna be my friend or associate with my out of FUCKING pity or I'm a GOD DAMN pity case. Overall, I just don't GIVE A SHIT about anything any more. What's the point when I'm gonna FUCKING kill myself or be a FUCKING FAT ASS loser whose gonna be alone for the rest of his boring FUCKING pathetic life!

All I do any more is FUCKING cry like some pathetic FAGGOT! As I was walking home tonight, all I could do was think of other ways to hurt myself and just end it all. I seriously don't see the point of FUCKING trying for SHIT any more! I'm so FUCKING over life and people and DUMBASSES and ASSHOLES and FAGGOTS and SHITHEADS and whatever else that's bad that I can call them! FUCK YOU ALL

God is all powerful and all knowing..

When I was in my deepest depth of depression, I finally started to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

While I was at church today I was listening to the people get up and bare their testimonies; I couldn't help but cry and read my scriptures. I wanted to go up and bare mine, but being new in the Ward, made me hold back. I know that I am to share something with the people in my new Ward and when the time comes, I will. I think the fact that I have Steve in the Ward with me, who kind of understands what I'm going through honestly makes things easier.

I met a lot of new and really nice people, but if and when they ever find out about me; will they still like me and want to talk to me? Only God and the angels know. It's not like I care what they think of me anyways, but I hate people who are fake or 2-faced.

I was able to meet with my new Bishop and all I can say to describe him is "WOW"... I was so nervous going in to talk to him. I've had no problem telling previous Bishops that I was and am gay, but I need more help than that now.

We started out by getting to know each other and he asked me some questions. He wanted to know how my mission went in Los Angeles, so I told him. LOL He then asked what brought me into his office and I told him I physically and mentally can't live my life anymore.

I told him I was gay, I have been very suicidal lately, and physically I feel like I'm 80. He was completely honest with me and said he doesn't know everything and wants to help me when and where he can. He could careless about me being gay, he thinks that its more important for me to stop being so suicidal.

We talked about the fact that I don't wanna get married or have a desire to have kids with a women, and he told me to forget about that for right now. I don't need that nor is it important to me at this time. He really was trying to help me and putting the church a side and the views of our faith, its gonna always be up to God.

No matter if I'm gay or straight or bisexual, God is the only one who knows me and knows the intentions of my heart. Whether I'm living the exact principles and ordinances of the Gospel or not, it's how I live MY life and what I do to make it better. These trials and tribulations I've been given in my life whether I pass them or fail, its the experience that really matters.

I don't want to be gay, and will say that till the day I die. If there were a pill or some kind of cure, I would do it in a heartbeat. My biggest fear is to be alone whether in the church or alone in life. I cry myself to sleep more often then not and don't know how to cope. I know I need to see a professional and so that is what I have decided to do.

I've always been the one giving people advice, but the time for me to be advice has come. I know she can help me, but I'm scared. Am I doing all that I can to make my life the best it can be? Will I ever be happy? Who am I really? Am I really going to hell for being gay? Can I be gay and be happy in the Church? Who knows if these questions can or will be answered, but I wanna find out.

I have no where else to go and if this doesn't help, i don't know what I'm gonna do. In talking to my Bishop, I feel like someone out there other then friends and some family actually cares about me. When I left his office, I wanted to just go up to him and hug him, but I feel it would be better at another moment in time.

All I can say is thank you to my Heavenly Father for loving me and showing his mercy. When I thought I was at my deepest and darkest part of my life, He has always been there for me whether I've acknowledged him or not. I know that I am a child of God and that no matter what I go through he feels my pain and cries with me. He's always there to comfort me and make me feel like I'm not alone. He's placed some special people in my life and you know who you are. And I thank you guys as well. Without your love and support, I would have been gone long ago.

Until next time... I love you all.

How can I be so misguided?

This is my first of hopefully many blogs. I'm doing this as a means to let out my feelings, so I don't hold them in and hurt myself any more.

This past weekend was hard for me. I have been through a lot here in the past 5 years and I think I just hit the bottom of it all. I've tried to commit suicide many times before, but never got as close as I did Saturday night.

I was at a very nice party with other guys who are kind of in the same boat as me. They are or were Mormon, looking for friends, and gay. I was talking with a few guys I had just met and thinking to myself; what do I want from them? Honestly, I didn't want anything.

It wasn't anything about them or with them. It's just that all I do is make friends and for some reason or another they leave me or use me. Why do I keep putting myself out there? While i was sitting there, I had an uncomfortable feeling that overcame me and I just had to leave and get out of the house.

As I was walking down the street I just started crying. It wasn't for any real reason, I'm just physically drained. After 5 years of dealing with Epstein Barr, I'm done trying to force myself to get up everyday and keep moving forward. I wake up every morning feeling like I have the weight of the world on my shoulder's.

I've come to the point where I can't live life the way I am anymore. I don't know who to talk to, or if anyone can even help me. And I'm at the point that if anyone could even help me, I don't know that I want it. When I was thinking about things on Saturday night, I don't know how I did it, but I was at peace with committing suicide.

I've tried to in the past and never felt I could actually do it, but I honestly felt that it would happen this time. I don't know why I let me mind wonder and crazy thoughts just start coming out. All I know is I've never been this bad before.

I went to Church on Sunday and I was really enjoying it, but whenever it goes well, I start to think. There were 2 speakers that made an impression on me. And as much as I don't want to leave the Church, I've come to the realization that I can only have on or the other. As much as I believe, they will never accept me or allow me to be myself.

I'll end this for now and hopefully have a better day tomorrow. One can always hope, can't they?